My healing process has been like peeling back the layers of an onion. I just keep discovering more and more lies I’ve believed or thought patterns that I need to change.
Recently I had a series of “let downs” or “failures” that triggered some anxiety in me.
I had to frog two different knitting projects, not once but multiple times. So I just totally gave up on all my knitting for a while and felt like crap for not being better at it. I also tried signing up for a knitting class to help me figure out what I was doing wrong, but had to cancel due to some annoying inflammation in my wrist that was making knitting painful.
Another project I’ve been wanting to work on had to be put on hold because of the unexpected cost of some of the materials.
I also forgot to call someone back about an appointment with them and the day rolled around when we had tentatively scheduled to meet and they had been waiting for me. I felt really guilty about that.
We also tried going camping recently but I got sick the first night out and had to come home early (another fructose attack, which that alone was disappointing because I haven’t had one of those in MONTHS).
Then I was bumming around on Instagram when I came across a post of a blogger I follow who was just turning thirty. She’s writing a recipe book, wakes up naturally at 6:30am, has done magazine interviews, etc. And even though I know to stop and remember that social media only presents the edited highlight reel of people’s lives, I still couldn’t help but think, “Shit. Look at how much she has accomplished and she’s my age. What the f*ck am I doing with my life? I need to do more. I need to be more.”
And *cue the nosedive*
Without stopping the thought in its place, I just blindly accepted the lie that I’m not worth as much unless I’m accomplishing big, visible things. Or if I don’t have tangible things to show for my accomplishments I’m wasting my life away.
And at this point, I feel like I should know better than to keep buying into that crap.
I noticed all the signs of a low spell coming on so I took some time to practice mindfulness meditation. Instead of just totally giving into the feelings I was experiencing, I took a moment to acknowledge them AND then search for the cause. I became a spectator to my emotions rather than a participant in them.
This is why I believe practicing mindfulness has changed my life. Instead of numbing, distracting, or escaping from life’s problems, mindfulness creates a space for you to meet yourself graciously with love to get a better idea of what’s going on below the surface.
I realized that my problem wasn’t the desire to constantly be working on something, it was why I had that desire and what was motivating it. Somewhere along the way I was still trying to let something else define my worth. I was still holding onto a lie that I wasn’t worth much or anything at all unless I had something tangible to show for my efforts.
That’s why I get discouraged so easily when things I’m working on don’t turn out as perfect as I want or can’t be done within a certain time frame. As long as I believe that my worth is attached to my accomplishments or my failures of course I’m going to have anxiety and feel like shit.
But here’s the truth:
Your worth is not defined by what you do or don’t do. It isn’t defined by what you accomplish or how much you accomplish, or what you fail at or how often you fail. You can half-ass a million things, leave books half-finished, forget to return people’s phone calls, let the dishes pile up in the sink for weeks, but the bottom line still is: you are intrinsically valuable no matter what you have achieved today or not. You are worthy even if all you did today was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. You are totally free to love and accept yourself FULLY AS IS — no strings attached. You matter even if you didn’t do a single thing today that mattered.
It’s a lie that I can’t just be content with who I am as person. Let other people judge me for what I get done in a day or don’t get done. They don’t know my story or how far I’ve come. And you know what else? There’s something wrong with an individual who makes snap judgements about a person they don’t even know. That’s saying a heck of a lot more about them than it is me.
So here’s to peeling back another onion layer of lies and moving forward in more freedom.
“We [who are born again—reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, and set apart for His purpose] are not children of a slave woman [the natural], but of the free woman [the supernatural]. It was for this freedom that Christ set us free [completely liberating us]; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery [which you once removed].” (Galatians 4:31 – 5:1)